By Caleb
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In my paintings with {couples}, I really like to think about the Jap artwork of kintsugi. The commitment way “gold repair,” and it refers back to the apply of mending damaged pottery with lacquer and powdered gold. In lieu than hiding the cracks, kintsugi illuminates them. The once-broken object turns into much more stunning — no longer regardless of its historical past, however on account of it.
The similar may also be true for relationships.
Each and every couple will enjoy breaks. Once in a while they arrive within the mode of betrayal, false impression, a sluggish go with the flow, or just the lot of unmet wishes. When a courting cracks beneath drive, the intuition may well be to throw it away or struggle to drive it again to how it as soon as used to be.
However that’s no longer conceivable for the reason that latest mode has modified. It’s more or less like the instance the place anyone crumples up a work of paper and after smooths it out once more. It’s nonetheless an intact piece of paper, nevertheless it’s unquestionably no longer the similar easy floor it used to be ahead of.
iStock.com/MarioGuti
However not like that crumpled piece of paper, which simply lays naked the wear and tear it went via, without a growth, kintsugi reminds us that there’s the possible to form upon what got here ahead of and order it into one thing brandnew, one thing stunning.
Shattered relationships are like shattered pottery
When couples come into therapy, they’re often sitting with the broken pieces of something they once valued deeply. The process of healing, of rebuilding connection, takes effort. It cannot be rushed — and it rarely looks like a perfect restoration. In fact, we wouldn’t want it to because that would mean there hadn’t been any growth.
Each step a couple takes toward one another, even in discomfort, builds confidence that repair is possible. Over the years, I’ve seen relationships grow stronger not by avoiding conflict but by nurturing the skills they need to move through it. The cracks don’t disappear, but they become part of a story you’ve written together.
So, how does this translate into everyday relationship work?
Here are 4 tips couples can use to strengthen their connection after a fracture:
1. Embrace imperfection: Rather than aiming for a flawless relationship, focus on building one that can handle real life. Talk openly about the moments that have felt difficult or disappointing. Use language like “this was hard for me” instead of pointing fingers. Schedule time to identify what you’ve learned from past conflicts. The goal is not to erase the break but to understand it and learn how to respond differently moving forward.
2. Practice self-compassion: It’s easy to be hard on yourself or your partner when something goes wrong. Instead, notice the inner voice that shows up after conflict. Ask yourself, “Would I speak to a friend this way?” If not, rewrite the narrative. During moments of tension, take a pause and simply say, “We’re both doing the best we can right now.” This small practice helps lower defensiveness and creates space for repair.
3. Build resilience through reflection: After a disagreement or challenging season, set aside time to reflect as a couple. Ask each other, “What helped usget through that?” and “What could we do differently next time?” Write your answers down. Keep a shared journal or document where you track these reflections. Over time, this record becomes a reminder of your capacity to navigate difficulty together.
4. Create meaning together: Language shapes perspective. If you describe every argument as a failure, you’re less likely to see opportunities for growth. Instead, shift the frame. Try saying, “That was a turning point” or “We learned something important about ourselves there.” Mark these moments when you’ve come together to fix something and celebrate them, even if it’s in small ways.
The artwork of shifting ahead
iStock.com/Marco Montalti
Repairing a relationship is rarely about returning to what was. It is about deciding, together, what comes next. Just like kintsugi honors the history of a broken object by making it more meaningful, couples have the opportunity to create something new out of what may have felt lost.
If you’re in the process of repair, give it time, give it care, and remember that the effort you put into understanding each other is what makes the bond even stronger than it was before.
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